Karen. My Karen. I met you by accident. But the way I fell head over heels for you, it was more like destiny. If there's one thing mathematics has taught me, it's that there's always a chance. No matter how the night sky brims with dark matter, you'll always be able to find a star, even in Vegas.
"Why do you always walk like you're in such a hurry?" she asked me every other day when we used to go for a walk in the park. seek shelter from the burning inferno that was sun. like vampires. grim, pale white vampires. That's what we were. "I'm just like that." I'd answer back.
-"One day you're gonna pass right by me and keep going until you turn around and see that I've been left behind."
"Don't worry, baby. I'll never leave you behind."
My sweet, good looking, sweet smelling Karen. Her favorite game was truth or dare. My least favorite game. It only felt good when I got her to dare and got her into bed. She never told me about her father. A scarred mind in Vegas, doesn't stay in Vegas.
the other day I felt something squirming up my ankle. A big fat cockroach. It snack out of the bear bottle she trapped it in. little bastard. I shook it off and she screamed as it ran scared towards her. But she wasn't scared. she was just playing. My beautiful, playful Karen.
When your car brakes down in the middle of highway 74, the only thing you can hope for is either a miracle, or an easy death. The heat was rising from the hot sands like the Devil himself and it was like the sun was trying to murder us with a dull jackknife. Karen didn't care though. She was just fine. Just resting up her feet on the dashboard of the car and trying to listen to the wind howling through the empty desert. I thought she's fainted from the heat. She just fell asleep.
Her stomach was growing. but she still looked beautiful. All this time and we never realized. Blue meant positive but Karen liked blue better so we decided that blue means we're still free.
We were before the puking and headaches started. I wasn't scared. She wasn't scared. We just couldn't believe anything yet. we were like confused mules who had lost their masters.
After shooting the six shots I had promised her we checked into the motel room. it wasn't shabby. We could have afforded more with the money I had with me but I figured that one night isn't going to kill anybody. the room had a neon green light to it. like there was a big, lush greenhouse hidden somewhere in the bathroom. We thought about the color green. then we thought about the color blue. Blue meant positive.
-"I wish mom could see this."
Karen never talked about her mother either. I found that another way to get her into bed when we played truth or dare.
The gurney was dripping with blood as it bashed and bashed through spring doors in St. Joseph's hospital. The doctors looked like monsters and one of the nurses looked like my mother.
-"What's wrong with her?!"
-"Internal hemorrhage. Please wait outside."
We talked about a lot of things that night in the "greenhouse motel". She didn't want a baby. She didn't want the responsibility. She didn't want to loose her freedom. She still wanted to close her eyes and see blue horizons. My beautiful Karen. "I hate blue now. I fucking hate it." I caressed her as strongly as I could. I dried her tears with my fingers. We just lay there and listened to the mockingbirds singing in the bathroom. That night I dreamt I was the first astronaut to land on the sun. I felt sick. I threw up and then the damn mosquitoes didn't let me sleep till morning.
-"We... uh... took the scissors out. and... err... there... but there was severe bleeding. We did all we..."
I woke her up gently. Gave her the water bottle and told her to take a sip. The sky was cloudless. She said she loves that color but she also likes rain. She said there never was a lot of rain in Vegas. "God damned Vegas".
She seemed so happy. Karen. My beautiful Karen whom I had promised a cottage in the distant hills behind the forests. Our very own wooden home with a little fireplace and an antique rifle hanging above the chest drawer. It was going to be perfect.
-"We can do it. We can do anything together. can't we?"
-"Baby, I'd scale mountains for you, that's what I'd do."
Her white, glimmering teeth. The smell of her strawberry breath. they never failed to help me sleep and forget my troubles.
-"I love stargazing. It makes me feel so... special. It's like looking for my home planet. I know it's somewhere out there."
One of the Motels we spent a night or two in had a little roof on top. We could climb up the emergency staircase and just lay there until we fell asleep. Karen was always happy when she was herself.
Karen was happy.
-"I can't keep it in me... I can't. I... I'm too young! I'm just not ready for this I swear I'm just not ready for this! Please don't let me have this baby. please!"
- "I'm so sorry, sir. We just couldn't stop the bleeding. the scissors... they were... lodged too deep inside her... umm... I'm sorry."
Me? I wasn't scared. I just sat there and lit a cigarette. took a good long look at the nurse who looked my mother. She came over and took my name and made me sign a bunch of papers.
I walked out of the hospital. I got on my car. I drove and drove until I reached Highway 74.
I stopped and turned off the car. I scooted over to the passenger's seat and put my feet up on the dashboard and stared up at the cloudless, blue sky. I didn't care about the color.
I was just waiting for the first star to start shining in the quiet, dim nightly sky.
I'm going to name it Karen and I'm going to watch it until I fall asleep.
The End of a harmless, worthless little love story. Sorry if it was shitty. It's 1:30 AM. I have to go to work tomorrow at 7 and I just had to get this off my chest for some reason.
Goodnight.
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