I could have been anyone.

Now I'm just nobody.

Oh, Persephone!

A heavy burden rests on my weakening shoulders. I am in the dungeon of the dragon, the fire breather, the destroyer. Inside her maws I struggle to grasp for breath.

On and on, every single moment it gradually increases the pressing of its jaws around me. I can feel the skin bruised and burned by the hot breath of the creature as I gasp for air and freedom from her suffocating clutches.

I am stuck in oblivion. A living hell. The greatest tormenting of the soul ever possible upon the plains of earth.

...I am almost dead...

No, YOU listen

The process of learning can be absolutely painful indeed. It will tear you apart outside and inside.

I am in awe of what my karma has brought to me. I am in absolute awe.

This pain is so beautiful.

listen

It's not so hard when you think about it...

The haunting

I'm still here. Am I happy?

Am I happier? Yes. I feel more complete. I feel like I have learned lessons in life that I could never have learned if I never ventured forth into the unknown, even though the bruises still remain.

I have a purpose in this world that I am still not aware of. But I am starting to feel that simply by being and experiencing this plane, I'll be able to ascend to higher levels of consciousness.

That is what I desire.


I'm still here.

Cliche' of the day

Today I expressed myself much more than usual. I let my opinion be heard and stood my ground and didn't back up.

It feels really good. I wasn't sober per se, but at least I said what I wanted and it felt wonderful and liberating and people were impressed and I was impressed with me.

Good day... good day.

Marvin (Part 4)

Marvin felt very happy sometimes. But what made him happy was far smaller and more insignificant for others to understand. Well, all the other people he knew anyway.

What made him happy were many though, even if they were small. The look on a cat's face when it looks up at him with bewildered eyes; how some parts of the environment around him aligned with other different parts of the environment as he moved and shifted his perspective as lines and curves crossed each others' paths; the Indian teller's look when she gives back his change at the local shop; how sometimes his old university lecturer glances at the attractive girls in class and smiles his wicked little smile, with god only knows what passing through his white-haired head.

He had considered having some mild kind of autism. Although nowhere near autistic in behavior, he was generally a socially awkward person no matter how hard he tried. He had stopped trying after a while. This was indeed a problem but lately he had found himself juggling several problems at any given time so it was sometimes a strategy to put some problems aside while others are tended to. But this was a problem he hadn't come back to in quite a while. He imagined it being covered in cobwebs and dust. An old, rusted iron bar kept in the dungeons of his mind.

But Marvin liked to think about the happy stuff every once in a while. Who could not? Even miserable people sometimes see things which uncontrollably brings a smile, however faded and small, to their faces. Some out-of-nowhere coincidence which in the context of things, is simply pleasant feeling. Marvin didn't remember what the coincidence was, but he tried not to dwell too long on it. He was milking the last drops of the feeling before it would all inevitably cave in again.

- "this is some good shit!"

Marvin nodded automatically.