Sunday, December 29, 2013

The haunting

I'm still here. Am I happy?

Am I happier? Yes. I feel more complete. I feel like I have learned lessons in life that I could never have learned if I never ventured forth into the unknown, even though the bruises still remain.

I have a purpose in this world that I am still not aware of. But I am starting to feel that simply by being and experiencing this plane, I'll be able to ascend to higher levels of consciousness.

That is what I desire.

I'm still here.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Cliche' of the day

Today I expressed myself much more than usual. I let my opinion be heard and stood my ground and didn't back up.

It feels really good. I wasn't sober per se, but at least I said what I wanted and it felt wonderful and liberating and people were impressed and I was impressed with me.

Good day... good day.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Marvin (Part 4)

Marvin felt very happy sometimes. But what made him happy was far smaller and more insignificant for others to understand. Well, all the other people he knew anyway.

What made him happy were many though, even if they were small. The look on a cat's face when it looks up at him with bewildered eyes; how some parts of the environment around him aligned with other different parts of the environment as he moved and shifted his perspective as lines and curves crossed each others' paths; the Indian teller's look when she gives back his change at the local shop; how sometimes his old university lecturer glances at the attractive girls in class and smiles his wicked little smile, with god only knows what passing through his white-haired head.

He had considered having some mild kind of autism. Although nowhere near autistic in behavior, he was generally a socially awkward person no matter how hard he tried. He had stopped trying after a while. This was indeed a problem but lately he had found himself juggling several problems at any given time so it was sometimes a strategy to put some problems aside while others are tended to. But this was a problem he hadn't come back to in quite a while. He imagined it being covered in cobwebs and dust. An old, rusted iron bar kept in the dungeons of his mind.

But Marvin liked to think about the happy stuff every once in a while. Who could not? Even miserable people sometimes see things which uncontrollably brings a smile, however faded and small, to their faces. Some out-of-nowhere coincidence which in the context of things, is simply pleasant feeling. Marvin didn't remember what the coincidence was, but he tried not to dwell too long on it. He was milking the last drops of the feeling before it would all inevitably cave in again.

- "this is some good shit!"

Marvin nodded automatically.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Marvin (Part 3)

Marvin didn't become a misogynist until his trust and love were betrayed by several members of the opposite sex around him.

He could not understand what made them tick. He was a smart boy. He had tried so hard and he had been so involved in actually trying to make a relationship happen. But he could not. He was a failure in everything he touched regarding relationships. He couldn't even find somebody who would be interested to talk to him so he could even start fantasizing about an imaginary relationship.

Marvin was masturbating more times a week than he had been for the past year. He felt constantly stressed and under pressure. Ignored. Irredeemable. Lonely.

The question which has been asked by many others like Marvin was passing through his head every moment of almost every day: "Why couldn't there be someone for me?" He couldn't find any way out of all this wall of noise and the question constantly passing through his mind like a banner advertising the same product on and on and on.

There was no escape for him except for getting higher and higher and trying stronger drugs to turn his mind from the opposite sex and concentrate on himself and his world and his life. For some, this sometimes seems impossible. For Marvin, it was almost always like that. Even when he was completely under the influence he would think about his obsessions and the never ending "why"s and "how"s.

He had occupied so much of his time reading and talking and watching different materials which try to shed light on the boy/girl relationships. How-to books on finding a date, countless articles on the internet, instructional videos on how to attract women.

This was all a bunch of useless lies. All he had to do was to be himself and he would at least be comfortable around women. But how could he? All his life he had used different masks and identities to be able to expose himself to the world around him even in this small and insignificant way. He had never learned how to take the mask off and not be afraid of who he really is. And to be fair, how could he not be? It seemed as if he was born into this mask and he had had it on since forever.

It was something he had chosen to put on and keep on to be able to tolerate and interact with the people around him because. For all he knew, behind the pretty and (barely) socially acceptable mask, a monster could have lived.

And Marvin could feel the sleeping monster inside him. The beast that would either destroy him or the bare-bones and despicably shallow relationships he had with all the people around him. He could lose even this small piece of social exposure if he was himself.

Marvin felt like he was going insane. And he was. Gradually but step by step. His obsession with his now 2 year crush never showed a sign of fading away. Even though he hated her, he could never hate her enough to let her go. Marvin wanted to open up his skull and cut out the part of his brain that held her identity and memories with a blunt knife. He wanted to feel the pain of her finally leaving his mind.

So Marvin decided to hate women and the opposite sex because he felt betrayed by them. He thought that having a kind heart and being a good person would warrant enough to at least start a relationship. He was wrong. All he needed to be was ignorant, loud and rich. All he should have wanted from women was sex instead of love and care and understanding.

Because that's the type his crush and the other girls seemed to favor the most. To be cheap, disposable whores. So he decided to treat them the way they wanted to be treated. At least this way he'd probably get laid. He needed to stop masturbating while all the ignorant boys he knew were having regular sex and were in some form of relationship.

Marvin couldn't understand why the the world works the way it does.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Them vultures

Everybody have their own agenda. Who can you trust? Who is telling the truth?

When you live in a foreign country and have nobody but your "friends" around, that's when you'll get caught in a web of lies and presumptions and selfishness. We are all each other's pawn. We love to play god. There's this immense sense of power that comes from it. And we're ready to fuck up other people's lives because of that.

I'm sorry that we are such a failure. Most of us anyway. Enough to drag the entirety down with them. I have never wished for a miracle this hard in my life.

I don't want to be part of an evil species.

Monday, April 15, 2013

The cult of the golden sweet spot

Life. Sometimes it feels so good, doesn't it? To be able to breathe, feel, experience the world around you, to find friends, to have sex, to cum. Sometimes everything seems to just click into place for some of us while it is far from functional for some others. We all strive for a balance. A golden spot where we are firmly sitting upon the firmament of our past while looking onward towards the future ahead.

We seek tranquility and freedom. We seek to know and be known. But hardly we gain any balance for the sole reason that we want to be known more than we want to know. We want to stay in our comfort zone and believe that what we know is all that is needed to know and be able to live a fulfilling life by following a strict set of imaginary rules and regulations that we create in our mind.

What are we after really? What are we looking for? The amount of time you spend alive on this earth is absolutely insignificant compared to the amount that you shall spend dead. But does dead equal non-existence? That is to be debated and the only real way to find out is to cross the line ourselves.

But where's the hurry? We are living right now and it is the only chance we may ever get to be able to search for a meaning for it. Of course I don't think there is any unified meaning which we can all follow but each of us must find our own meaning and purpose. That is not easy to do I assure you but just like following bread crumbs, this journey could lead you to a whole new perspective on life.

So saddle up, live life, and try to say yes to things you would usually say no to.

Keep safe and live life a little. You will never get those little moments back. Go find that perfect balance, the sweet middle spot in your life and be free of excess in anything.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Question Mark?

I am lost inside me. What you knew of me in the past few years has mostly disappeared and been rearranged.

I don't know whether the changes are good or bad. I suppose I shall only know that when I become older and, hopefully, wiser to look back at these days. But I can claim that I smell both good and flawed in what I now call life. I am still not aware of the reason for life. The only word I can come up with is: "Experience". All I am here for is to experience life. What is its purpose?

Is the experience itself the purpose? To what end? Why?

Why... that dreaded word. Seeking knowledge even though gaining more of it brings yet more sense of being completely in the dark about everything.

I really don't get it.