Monday, May 27, 2013

Marvin (Part 4)

Marvin felt very happy sometimes. But what made him happy was far smaller and more insignificant for others to understand. Well, all the other people he knew anyway.

What made him happy were many though, even if they were small. The look on a cat's face when it looks up at him with bewildered eyes; how some parts of the environment around him aligned with other different parts of the environment as he moved and shifted his perspective as lines and curves crossed each others' paths; the Indian teller's look when she gives back his change at the local shop; how sometimes his old university lecturer glances at the attractive girls in class and smiles his wicked little smile, with god only knows what passing through his white-haired head.

He had considered having some mild kind of autism. Although nowhere near autistic in behavior, he was generally a socially awkward person no matter how hard he tried. He had stopped trying after a while. This was indeed a problem but lately he had found himself juggling several problems at any given time so it was sometimes a strategy to put some problems aside while others are tended to. But this was a problem he hadn't come back to in quite a while. He imagined it being covered in cobwebs and dust. An old, rusted iron bar kept in the dungeons of his mind.

But Marvin liked to think about the happy stuff every once in a while. Who could not? Even miserable people sometimes see things which uncontrollably brings a smile, however faded and small, to their faces. Some out-of-nowhere coincidence which in the context of things, is simply pleasant feeling. Marvin didn't remember what the coincidence was, but he tried not to dwell too long on it. He was milking the last drops of the feeling before it would all inevitably cave in again.

- "this is some good shit!"

Marvin nodded automatically.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Marvin (Part 3)

Marvin didn't become a misogynist until his trust and love were betrayed by several members of the opposite sex around him.

He could not understand what made them tick. He was a smart boy. He had tried so hard and he had been so involved in actually trying to make a relationship happen. But he could not. He was a failure in everything he touched regarding relationships. He couldn't even find somebody who would be interested to talk to him so he could even start fantasizing about an imaginary relationship.

Marvin was masturbating more times a week than he had been for the past year. He felt constantly stressed and under pressure. Ignored. Irredeemable. Lonely.

The question which has been asked by many others like Marvin was passing through his head every moment of almost every day: "Why couldn't there be someone for me?" He couldn't find any way out of all this wall of noise and the question constantly passing through his mind like a banner advertising the same product on and on and on.

There was no escape for him except for getting higher and higher and trying stronger drugs to turn his mind from the opposite sex and concentrate on himself and his world and his life. For some, this sometimes seems impossible. For Marvin, it was almost always like that. Even when he was completely under the influence he would think about his obsessions and the never ending "why"s and "how"s.

He had occupied so much of his time reading and talking and watching different materials which try to shed light on the boy/girl relationships. How-to books on finding a date, countless articles on the internet, instructional videos on how to attract women.

This was all a bunch of useless lies. All he had to do was to be himself and he would at least be comfortable around women. But how could he? All his life he had used different masks and identities to be able to expose himself to the world around him even in this small and insignificant way. He had never learned how to take the mask off and not be afraid of who he really is. And to be fair, how could he not be? It seemed as if he was born into this mask and he had had it on since forever.

It was something he had chosen to put on and keep on to be able to tolerate and interact with the people around him because. For all he knew, behind the pretty and (barely) socially acceptable mask, a monster could have lived.

And Marvin could feel the sleeping monster inside him. The beast that would either destroy him or the bare-bones and despicably shallow relationships he had with all the people around him. He could lose even this small piece of social exposure if he was himself.

Marvin felt like he was going insane. And he was. Gradually but step by step. His obsession with his now 2 year crush never showed a sign of fading away. Even though he hated her, he could never hate her enough to let her go. Marvin wanted to open up his skull and cut out the part of his brain that held her identity and memories with a blunt knife. He wanted to feel the pain of her finally leaving his mind.

So Marvin decided to hate women and the opposite sex because he felt betrayed by them. He thought that having a kind heart and being a good person would warrant enough to at least start a relationship. He was wrong. All he needed to be was ignorant, loud and rich. All he should have wanted from women was sex instead of love and care and understanding.

Because that's the type his crush and the other girls seemed to favor the most. To be cheap, disposable whores. So he decided to treat them the way they wanted to be treated. At least this way he'd probably get laid. He needed to stop masturbating while all the ignorant boys he knew were having regular sex and were in some form of relationship.

Marvin couldn't understand why the the world works the way it does.