I'll always miss you dad. My hero.

why do people always take away what is dear to me. how did we become so cruel? it's so hard to live so hard I'm so sick of everything

it feels good to be back in power against some issues that I had wrought in my mind over the past several years.

Today, I won in a personal battle against myself.

maybe it's time for extroverts to step back a little and let introverts take things over for a while. it's all become chaos. it's all become the act of pouring out without realizing what is inside first.

just sayin...

We are mostly after the concept of a matter more than the real thing.

I could have been anyone.

Now I'm just nobody.

Oh, Persephone!

A heavy burden rests on my weakening shoulders. I am in the dungeon of the dragon, the fire breather, the destroyer. Inside her maws I struggle to grasp for breath.

On and on, every single moment it gradually increases the pressing of its jaws around me. I can feel the skin bruised and burned by the hot breath of the creature as I gasp for air and freedom from her suffocating clutches.

I am stuck in oblivion. A living hell. The greatest tormenting of the soul ever possible upon the plains of earth.

...I am almost dead...

No, YOU listen

The process of learning can be absolutely painful indeed. It will tear you apart outside and inside.

I am in awe of what my karma has brought to me. I am in absolute awe.

This pain is so beautiful.

listen

It's not so hard when you think about it...

The haunting

I'm still here. Am I happy?

Am I happier? Yes. I feel more complete. I feel like I have learned lessons in life that I could never have learned if I never ventured forth into the unknown, even though the bruises still remain.

I have a purpose in this world that I am still not aware of. But I am starting to feel that simply by being and experiencing this plane, I'll be able to ascend to higher levels of consciousness.

That is what I desire.


I'm still here.

Cliche' of the day

Today I expressed myself much more than usual. I let my opinion be heard and stood my ground and didn't back up.

It feels really good. I wasn't sober per se, but at least I said what I wanted and it felt wonderful and liberating and people were impressed and I was impressed with me.

Good day... good day.

Marvin (Part 4)

Marvin felt very happy sometimes. But what made him happy was far smaller and more insignificant for others to understand. Well, all the other people he knew anyway.

What made him happy were many though, even if they were small. The look on a cat's face when it looks up at him with bewildered eyes; how some parts of the environment around him aligned with other different parts of the environment as he moved and shifted his perspective as lines and curves crossed each others' paths; the Indian teller's look when she gives back his change at the local shop; how sometimes his old university lecturer glances at the attractive girls in class and smiles his wicked little smile, with god only knows what passing through his white-haired head.

He had considered having some mild kind of autism. Although nowhere near autistic in behavior, he was generally a socially awkward person no matter how hard he tried. He had stopped trying after a while. This was indeed a problem but lately he had found himself juggling several problems at any given time so it was sometimes a strategy to put some problems aside while others are tended to. But this was a problem he hadn't come back to in quite a while. He imagined it being covered in cobwebs and dust. An old, rusted iron bar kept in the dungeons of his mind.

But Marvin liked to think about the happy stuff every once in a while. Who could not? Even miserable people sometimes see things which uncontrollably brings a smile, however faded and small, to their faces. Some out-of-nowhere coincidence which in the context of things, is simply pleasant feeling. Marvin didn't remember what the coincidence was, but he tried not to dwell too long on it. He was milking the last drops of the feeling before it would all inevitably cave in again.

- "this is some good shit!"

Marvin nodded automatically.

Them vultures

Everybody have their own agenda. Who can you trust? Who is telling the truth?

When you live in a foreign country and have nobody but your "friends" around, that's when you'll get caught in a web of lies and presumptions and selfishness. We are all each other's pawn. We love to play god. There's this immense sense of power that comes from it. And we're ready to fuck up other people's lives because of that.

I'm sorry that we are such a failure. Most of us anyway. Enough to drag the entirety down with them. I have never wished for a miracle this hard in my life.

I don't want to be part of an evil species.

The cult of the golden sweet spot

Life. Sometimes it feels so good, doesn't it? To be able to breathe, feel, experience the world around you, to find friends, to have sex, to cum. Sometimes everything seems to just click into place for some of us while it is far from functional for some others. We all strive for a balance. A golden spot where we are firmly sitting upon the firmament of our past while looking onward towards the future ahead.

We seek tranquility and freedom. We seek to know and be known. But hardly we gain any balance for the sole reason that we want to be known more than we want to know. We want to stay in our comfort zone and believe that what we know is all that is needed to know and be able to live a fulfilling life by following a strict set of imaginary rules and regulations that we create in our mind.

What are we after really? What are we looking for? The amount of time you spend alive on this earth is absolutely insignificant compared to the amount that you shall spend dead. But does dead equal non-existence? That is to be debated and the only real way to find out is to cross the line ourselves.

But where's the hurry? We are living right now and it is the only chance we may ever get to be able to search for a meaning for it. Of course I don't think there is any unified meaning which we can all follow but each of us must find our own meaning and purpose. That is not easy to do I assure you but just like following bread crumbs, this journey could lead you to a whole new perspective on life.

So saddle up, live life, and try to say yes to things you would usually say no to.

Keep safe and live life a little. You will never get those little moments back. Go find that perfect balance, the sweet middle spot in your life and be free of excess in anything.

Question Mark?

I am lost inside me. What you knew of me in the past few years has mostly disappeared and been rearranged.

I don't know whether the changes are good or bad. I suppose I shall only know that when I become older and, hopefully, wiser to look back at these days. But I can claim that I smell both good and flawed in what I now call life. I am still not aware of the reason for life. The only word I can come up with is: "Experience". All I am here for is to experience life. What is its purpose?

Is the experience itself the purpose? To what end? Why?

Why... that dreaded word. Seeking knowledge even though gaining more of it brings yet more sense of being completely in the dark about everything.

I really don't get it.

"6"

Alright alright! Update:
I'm back. I barely, let me repeat that: BARELY moved my ass back into gear and now that the results are out I am unhappy but I know it's all my fault.

This semester was an apathetic hell for me. I am planning to completely turn this thing over next semester. I'm not going down baby. Not yet.

Flaccid

I find that I have less and less connection to what makes up this world as every day passes. I don't feel pity, pain, insult, humor. I look into the eyes of the people and see black holes. Lifeless mannequins.

I sometimes loose the definition of reality.

I know it's the pressure from going downhill academically since this semester started... I'm so fucked if I don't move my ass back into gear.

Wish me luck.

[EDIT]

In some moments of clarification, you understand in perfect harmony the reason and purpose of what is being denied of you. I am not talking about reaching a god.

I am talking about reaching peace with yourself. When the inner you is the outer you and both are happy.

balloon

It's sad to think you'll never be mine, it's even sadder to realize I knew it all the time.

Help...

I am so lost. I don't know what I want in life. I don't know how to meet other people's expectations. I am so scared that I will fall from the great image that people have created of me.

I feel like I am betraying myself, my body, my soul every single day. I feel worthless and pitiful. Success has no sweet taste for me anymore. Duty and passion are but fleeting ideas which barely make it out of the murk of my rusting mind.

I feel this much closer to being dead.